Borboletas e Pipas

Borboletas e pipas

Um pastor abençoado com a sabedoria do Senhor disse uma vez que nós estamos todos errados. Quanto mais analisamos nossos raciocínios, nossa lógica, nossos pensamentos impulsivos, mais percebemos que somos um produto da cultura na qual estamos emersos.

Consequentemente, devemos sempre suspeitar de nós mesmos, especialmente quando se trata de conclusões que tiramos mediante pressuposições não questionadas e não escrutinadas.

Com isso em mente, fui reler Salmo 19... E umas das coisas que me saltou aos olhos e até me provocou certo desconforto foi: A LEI DO SENHOR.

No que você pensa quando lê isso?

Leia de novo, e pare, e pense um pouco mais: a lei do Senhor.

Pegue esse pensamento cautelosamente, como se fosse uma borboleta presa no seu crânio. Na verdade, não é uma borboleta livre, leve e solta. É uma pipa, um papagaio. Siga a linha, vá puxando cuidadosamente, e descubra o que está empinando essa pipa.

A primeiríssima suposta borboleta que surge na minha mente são os dez mandamentos, as tábuas de pedra. Uma lista de ordens, de comandos e de “não pode”s.

Lembro-me então das centenas de outras leis que foram prescritas aos hebreus no Velho Testamento, das leis que provocaram tamanha cautela nos israelitas a ponto dos mesmos enviarem o sacerdote para dentro do Santo dos Santos com um sininho e uma corda amarrada ao tornozelo, caso ele desagradasse ao Senhor e Sua ira divina o matasse no local. Lembro-me das leis que exigem a morte de infratores, apedrejamento, sangue...

E a primeira reação que tenho é: Que pensamento desagradável, não convidativo! Certamente não é uma mensagem sobre a qual muitos pastores pregariam nas suas igrejas, com medo de espantar os membros. Afinal, ninguém quer ouvir sobre um Deus rijo e castigador. Queremos ouvir que somos aceitos exatamente como somos e que não precisamos mudar nada para seguir a Jesus (Vou logo avisando que isso é uma contradição em si. É só ler Marcos 10.17-22, Romanos 12.1-2 e, basicamente, a Bíblia inteira.). Queremos ser aceitos com nossos erros e nossas falhas, queremos nos ver livre da culpa e da vergonha que nos pesa, queremos que Deus passe a mão na nossa cabeça e nos diga: “Ow, meu filho, você não é tão ruim assim. Eu te amo do jeitinho que você é, não se preocupe.”

Meus pensamentos logo me levam à sensação de vergonha que tenho ao falar sobre a lei do Senhor a descrentes. O que será que eles pensam a respeito disso? É a última coisa que gostaria de estar falando para eles... Afinal, Deus é amor... Por que não falo sobre o amor de Deus? Por que não posso transmitir a mensagem repetida de “O toque de um anjo” cuja mensagem mais divina é que Deus te ama. Quando me questionam a respeito dos mandamentos “injustos”, “medievais” e “sanguinários”, tento esquivar-me do assunto, tento focar no resumo das leis, que é amar a Deus acima de tudo e amar ao próximo como a si mesmo. E como eles nunca compreenderiam o que significa amar a Deus e, na certa, zombariam de mim, às vezes até deixo essa partezinha de lado. Fico com o “amarás ao seu próximo como a si mesmo”. Algumas pessoas levariam até ao próximo passo, dizendo que, de acordo com o versículo, para amar ao seu próximo, você precisa primeiro amar a si mesmo (Outro equívoco enorme. Você já se ama demais, apesar das suas constantes desculpas sobre sua baixa auto-estima. Ele quer é que você deixe de ser tão egoísta e compartilhe o teu amor.).

É isso que de fato está empinando a pipa desse desconforto. Percebi, afinal, que meu entendimento da Lei do Senhor é algo muito amoldado à cultura. Mesmo que talvez esses pensamentos não fiquem na superfície de cada atitude ou ação, é o que está por debaixo. E isso sempre refletirá de alguma forma no meu relacionamento com Deus.

O que a Bíblia diz

Mas o salmista revela algo maravilhoso, lindo, absurdamente surpreendente sobre a Lei do Senhor. Se você reconheceu algumas das “borboletas” que citei acima, sugiro que leia Salmo 19 com os olhos de uma águia. Vou até colocar um link aqui para você não dizer que vai ler depois e esquecer: http://www.bibliaonline.com.br/acf/19/19.

Vamos por partes para entender a ideia completa do salmo. Não me faço de seminarista nem letrada em teologia, mas a Palavra de Deus foi escrita especialmente aos bobos e iletrados do mundo, então essa será meu humilde estudo do texto.

O salmo fala sobre as revelações de Deus. Para traduzir o evangeliquês, revelações seriam aquilo que pertence a Deus, como a Sua infinita sabedoria, Sua perfeita criatividade, Seu completo amor, etc., que Ele revela a nós. E o salmista começa a falar sobre uma das Suas revelações: a natureza.

A revelação na natureza

Os versículos 1-4 detalham o que exatamente a natureza nos diz sobre Deus: Ela proclama enfaticamente a glória Dele (v. 1), as obras das Suas mãos (v. 1) e a Sua sabedoria (v. 2). Como uma apaixonada pela arte, reconheço que todas as obras de arte possuem traços do caráter e da personalidade do artista, uma assinatura implícita, que podem ser reconhecidos e atribuídos ao autor. E eu, como bióloga, admiro imensamente a complexidade e inteligência e a criatividade que encontro na natureza, desde as micro-máquinas incríveis dentro das nossas células até cada pôr-do-sol. Portanto, vejo isso como revelação de Deus: Ele é um ser infinitamente complexo, inteligente, criativo e, com certeza, tem um conceito incrível de beleza. Isso tudo aponta para Sua glória e Sua sabedoria. Só esses versículos me fazem pausar um pouco e respirar fundo. É só procurar no Google: Há muitas fotos online que demonstram cenas incríveis da natureza. Além disso, o fato de que cada dia a ciência descobre coisas novas na botânica, fisiologia humana, bioquímica, astronomia, etc., apontam para uma quantidade imensa de informação contida no nosso universo. Imagine o quanto o homem já descobriu sobre o mundo em que vive. Agora, imagine o quanto ainda existe para ser descoberto... Para um artista produzir algo com tamanha complexidade, o que isso diz a respeito do artista em si? E digo mais: O universo é finito, mas Deus não é. Tudo isso vem de Deus. Ele tem um conhecimento infinito. Nós não temos como compreender o conceito do infinito, pois somos criaturas finitas num universo finito. Mas Deus está só nos dando um gostinho da Sua glória na natureza.

Os versos 4-6 apontam novamente para a grandeza e o poder de Deus. O salmista descreve o sol belissimamente, mas a ênfase está no fato de que é Deus que acolhe o sol no final da sua jornada. Para quem não tem noção do tamanho do sol, eis alguns dados rápidos:

• Caberiam umas 1.300.000 Terras dentro do sol;
• O sol em si contém mais de 98% da massa do nosso sistema solar;
• O sol possui 1.392.000 km de diâmetro.
• O tamanho da sua superfície equivale a 12.000 vezes mais do que a superfície da Terra.

Abismados? Ainda não? Pois tentem absorver a imensidão do universo assistindo o seguinte:

·         http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q5M3t0SOZSM

·         http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uKiT06urRpk&feature=fvwrel

Há muitos outros vídeos e artigos que podem ser vistos. O universo nos deixa de boca aberta, pasmos... No entanto, a Bíblia diz que Deus “conta o número das estrelas, chama-as a todas pelos seus nomes”.

A Lei do Senhor

Mas, de repente e à primeira vista, o salmista parece que muda de assunto a partir do verso 7. Eu fiquei um pouco perplexa com a transição. No começo, não entendi bem. Mas há uma conexão. Lembro-me de que o salmista está falando das revelações de Deus. Ele nos mostrou primeiramente a revelação dada por Deus na natureza. E agora, de repente, ele nos mostra outra revelação dada por Deus: a Sua Lei. E Davi começa dizendo que a Lei do Senhor é perfeita. Agora é para pasmar mesmo. Depois de dar uma visualização das maravilhas da revelação de Deus na natureza, o salmista coloca a Lei do Senhor num nível acima de tudo isso. A Lei do Senhor é perfeita.

Tudo aquilo que eu tinha como pressuposto a respeito da Lei do Senhor cai por terra nos seguintes versículos. Ela não é algo escabroso, sanguinário, injusto, medieval e impiedoso. Ela é perfeita. E a perfeição da Lei do Senhor não é algo distante, inaplicável, como uma joia raríssima conservada numa caixa de vidro, fria, sem vida, sem valor algum além do seu encanto visual. De acordo com Davi (vv. 7-11), a Lei do Senhor é fiel, reta, pura, verdadeira, justa, mais desejável do que ouro, mais doce do que o mel... Refrigera a alma, dá sabedoria aos símplices, alegra o coração e ilumina os olhos, admoesta os servos do Senhor e garante grande recompensa aos que a guardam.

Como eu poderia me envergonhar da Lei do Senhor? Como eu me atrevo a dar um passo para trás quando se trata dela? Ela é algo que deveria me maravilhar, pois é revelação de Deus mais formosa do que a própria natureza com a qual me encanto.

O temor do Senhor

Há um conceito importante no meio de tudo isso. Lemos na primeira parte do verso 9 sobre temor do Senhor.

Mas como o temor do Senhor se encaixa nas revelações de Deus? Davi diz que o temor do Senhor é limpo e permanece para sempre. Salomão diz que o temor do Senhor é o princípio da sabedoria, dá longevidade. Por meio do temor do Senhor, o mal é evitado, a humildade é alcançada e tesouros são encontrados.

Para temer ao Senhor é necessário conhecê-Lo. E para conhecê-Lo, precisamos que Ele se revele a nós. A Lei do Senhor é a Sua revelação perfeita para nós, cujo clímax se encontra na vida, nos ensinamentos e na morte de Jesus Cristo.

Olhando para dentro de si

Mas o salmo não se finda com a revelação da Lei do Senhor. Ao vermos tamanha beleza das revelações de Deus, da perfeição, da aplicabilidade, dos tesouros mil que aguardam àquele que segue nos seus caminhos... Ao vermos tudo isso, olhamos para nós mesmos. O salmista olha para si mesmo e a primeira coisa que faz é admitir que nada sabe. “Quem pode entender os seus erros?”

Dá-me uma sensação de pequenez. Diante de tudo que ele falou sobre a Lei do Senhor fazendo isso e aquilo por aquele que a segue... Como podemos reconhecer onde erramos? Afinal, nosso coração é enganoso.

De fato – voltando para o primeiro parágrafo – todos nós temos erros ocultos, atitudes e pressupostos suspeitos que não questionamos. Todo dia, se prestarmos bem atenção, perceberemos que há muito mais por debaixo das trivialidades do que imaginamos. É lá onde reside o mal, debaixo do pano. Há passagens bíblicas que dão imagens vívidas disso. O salmista, por exemplo, fala sobre “quem gera a maldade, concebe sofrimento e dá à luz a desilusão” (Sl 7.14). Em inglês, fica mais explícito ainda: “He who is pregnant with evil” (aquele que está grávido com pecado). O pecado não é simplesmente algo que fazemos. Nós não só pecamos. Nós somos pecadores... O mal está entrelaçado na fábrica do nosso ser.

Portanto, precisamos admitir: “Quem pode entender os seus erros?” E então, pedimos a Deus: “Expurga-me tu dos que me são ocultos.” Em outras palavras: “Senhor, eu erro tanto que erro até sem perceber. Talvez haja erros que nunca reconhecerei em mim mesmo nessa vida terrena. Mas, pela Tua misericórdia e por meio do sacrifício de Jesus, por favor, me perdoe até mesmo por aqueles que não consigo enxergar.”

Chegando ao fim, Davi reconhece também que a soberba é um perigo enorme. O orgulho é um empecilho enorme para o arrependimento, cegando nossos olhos aos nossos pecados. Na ausência do orgulho (apesar de que acredito que nunca estaremos completamente livres desse mal aqui na Terra), pela bondade de Deus, então, seremos capazes de enxergar com mais facilidade nossos próprios pecados.

Talvez, alguns dias, eu não terei muita vontade... Mas peço a Deus que o pedido final do grande Rei Davi seja o meu também, todos os dias, enquanto descubro o quanto nada sou e quão grande Ele é: “Sejam agradáveis as palavras da minha boca e a meditação do meu coração perante a tua face, SENHOR, Rocha minha e Redentor meu!”

O que aprendi? Preciso desconfiar de tudo que tomo como pressuposição para meus atos e o meu viver... A Lei do Senhor é belíssima, perfeita e agradável. Meu orgulho me impede de enxergá-la assim. O temor do Senhor é o princípio da sabedoria e serei uma tola se me desviar dele.

Preciso aprender a apreciar mais a Palavra de Deus...

Justiça e Amor

Para mim, justiça sempre foi um conceito difícil para entender. Isso porque sempre aprendia sobre justiça ao mesmo tempo em que aprendia sobre amor. Também, há o fator diferença entre a justiça do homem e a justiça de Deus. Isso porque só Deus conhece o coração dos homens. Como poderíamos comparar a nossa justiça com a Dele?

Há horas em que me pego tentando descobrir onde começa o amor e termina a justiça, pois ainda não consigo compreender completamente como Deus consegue demonstrar Seu amor e Sua justiça ao mesmo tempo.

Escutei hoje um sermão do Paul Washer falando sobre o sacrifício que Deus providenciou. Estou convicta de que não compreendo o tamanho da beleza, da magnificência, da perfeição do sacrifício de Jesus. Washer falou para o povo (e eu parafraseio): “Tenho uma notícia ruim para vocês... Deus é bom.” E eles, claro, questionaram isso: “Mas isso não é notícia ruim. Ficamos muito felizes que Deus é bom!” Mas Washer retrucou: “Sim, Deus é bom. Mas vocês são ruins. Como um Deus bondoso aceitaria alguém ruim como você? Se Adão e Eva pecaram uma vez e já mancharam toda a criação e seus descendentes, quanto mais você que não consegue viver sem errar aqui e acolá?”

E ainda há gente que acha que vai pro Céu porque se considera bom o suficiente...

É o conhecimento e aceitação humilde do sacrifício de Jesus, da Sua pessoa, de quem realmente Ele é, que nos liberta.

Deus nunca deixa e nunca deixou de ser justo nem de amar. Por isso, o sacrifício de Jesus foi muito além de qualquer coisa que possamos imaginar. Às vezes temos a impressão de que, de alguma forma, o amor de Deus diminuiu a força da Sua ira e da Sua justiça. Gostamos de exaltar essa qualidade divina acima da outra. Mas não... Jesus sofreu tudo, a ira completa de Deus. Por nós. Deus poupou a nós, porque não poupou a Jesus. Não houve um pingo de misericórdia para com Ele. Ele sofreu tudo por todos... Por mim.

Como você pode se negar a Jesus depois de descobrir isso na tua vida? Como eu posso deixar de desejá-Lo acima de tudo, depois de compreender isso?

Meu anseio (apesar de imperfeito e às vezes fraco) é entender cada dia mais o tamanho do amor, da justiça e da sabedoria de Cristo, porque isso transformará a minha vida. Tenho percebido isso... Quando me comparo agora àquela que sentava no banco da igreja um ano atrás... que mudança, que misericórdia da parte de Deus! Mesmo que as mudanças demorem a chegar, sei que estou mudando pouco a pouco. Meus erros, meus pecados, passados, presentes e futuros, todos foram pagos pelo meu Salvador... Como Paul Washer disse... Minha vida acabou. Não é mais a minha... e sim, de Jesus.

Amo quando leio C. S. Lewis: 

Nosso Senhor considera nossos desejos não muito fortes, mas muito fracos, isto sim. Somos criaturas sem entusiasmo, brincando feito bobos com bebida, sexo e ambições, quando o que se nos oferece é a alegria infinita. Agimos como uma criança sem noção, que prefere continuar fazendo bolinhos de lama num cortiço porque não consegue imaginar o que significa a oferta de um feriado na praia. Nós nos contentamos muito facilmente.”

Escutem as duas palestras do Paul Washer: The Depth of the Gospel, Part 1 & 2 (2 Corinthians 5:21). Está em inglês, mas se esforçar para entender vale a pena o sacrifício. Afinal...

...Pouco a pouco, cada dia, 

Pouco a pouco, enquanto me guia.
Cristo transforma-me! (Transforma-me!)
Desde que a meia-volta eu dei,
Cresço na graça do meu rei.
Cristo transforma-me.
Transforma-me, querido Cristo,
Já não sou mais o que eu antes fui.
E, vendo a mudança, tenho a confiança
Que um dia perfeito eu serei.

With sweaty palms and tachycardia, I finally presented my final project on Tuesday, December 8, at 9:30 AM, to a public of three judges and three spectators: mom, dad and Ronaldo, my boyfriend.

It was a very rainy morning (no one else had managed to show up due to the chaos ravaging the city), and I had woken up at 6:30 AM, hoping to have enough time to rehearse a few more times. You can never practice enough, right? After a presentation of a little less than 20 minutes and around an hour or so of conversation with the judges packed with compliments, questions and constructive criticism, they kindly asked me to step out so they could decide on my final grade. A few minutes later, we were asked to step back in, and the final verdict was given: I received the maximum grade (um dez!) and a world of hugs and handshakes. I was a bit lost in all the formality and unsure of what to say and how to behave, but it all ended well and my family and friends (who had arrived at the end) accompanied a smiling me out…

And now it is practically done. The road was long. To those of you who do not know much of what has been going on these past five years of my life, I shall try to sketch it out quickly for you. Perhaps it would help to know first that I am an extremely indecisive person and that I grow weary and bored of things very quickly. With that in mind, I commence…

My high school years were coursed in three different schools because of some trouble at Dad’s work. I graduated from high school December 2004 in São Paulo. After much trouble trying to decide what to do, I took up Biology at Mackenzie University and dedicated myself to it for a year.

Time passed, and my fascination for the subject began to dwindle, making me every day more and more unhappy with the decision I had made. So I allowed an old desire of mine to work with film to resurface. My parents worked hard and helped me to get what I wanted, and I made it to Calvin College in Grand Rapids, MI to major in Film Studies… for half a year. Homesickness, difficulty in adapting, and some other complications compelled me to return to Brazil. I spent half a year at loss of what to do. I went to Recife and back, hoping things would clear up in my mind, but nothing worked. In an attempt to help me, Dad pulled a few strings and I landed with a job in the office of my old school in São Paulo. My bosses and coworkers accepted me with a warm embrace and showed amazing levels of patience as I struggled to adapt to the professional world.

Meanwhile, the doubts in my mind continued. I did the vestibular for architecture at Mackenzie and passed, but decided to pick up Biology instead. So in 2007, I transferred my classes to UNISA, which is nearby home, and began studying at night. Getting used to studying at night wasn’t easy, as I had learned all my life how to use my brain at 7:30 in the morning and switch it off at 6:00 PM. Coffee was my constant companion for the first semester, until I learned how to concentrate better. At PACA (the old school where I worked at), I now was given a new job: I became a preschool teacher assistant.

I worked with the new preschool for a year and a half, until I realized that, in spite of all the joy working with children gave me, and all that I was learning, it was becoming more and more difficult to keep up with my studies. Working with kids wears you out physically, emotionally and mentally! Also, the last year of college was coming up and I would soon need to dedicate more time to the final project (monografia).

So I sadly explained this to the school and left the kids in the middle of their year. I was determined not to work this year, in order to dedicate myself to studies, but soon before I officially quit my preschool job, I was offered a part time job at the ACSI-Brasil office. The hours and job description (mostly computer work) appealed to me, and I accepted. Then, another decision had to be made: the subject of my final project. I toiled about to find an area which caught my attention. I found an estágio where I least expected to: Mackenzie University. There, the director of the university took me under his wing and offered me the chance to begin a project on type 2 diabetes at laboratory there. I eagerly accepted, as I had no other perspectives at the time, but I quickly learned to love the subject and learning more and more about the mechanisms of the disease.

And so the year 2009 then began with the craziest of schedules. I was now at Mackenzie from 8:00 to 11:30 AM, working at the ACSI office from 1:30 to 5:00 PM, and studying from 6:00 to 10:40 PM. The spaces in between I spent mostly in the car and napping and eating little snacks. The experience was exhausting, and, by the time I reached the second semester of the year, it became clear this was not going to work that well anymore. So I talked with my bosses and organized things to work full time from Mondays to Wednesdays and spent my Thursdays and Fridays at the lab. Things went much smoother from there.

I had spent a year researching, writing, experimenting, and developing my paper on type 2 diabetes. My objective was to develop a rat model which manifested the same symptoms as a human patient (insulin resistance and fasting hyperglycemia) so that this model could be used for future researches with experimental therapeutic drugs aiming to correct the insulin resistance and reverse the fasting hyperglycemia, offering a cure for diabetes type 2. The results were not very much what I had expected, but worthwhile, nonetheless. I presented my project that morning with a million and one things on my mind. I was thinking of the relief I was about to feel once I walked out of that door, whatever grade they gave me, of all the trouble I had gone through to get this far, of how much I wanted to rid myself of all of this once and for all and just sit back and breathe.

And then, it was over. Now what?

I am facing the last few weeks of confirmed academic stress before receiving my diploma, but cannot see anything beyond January 20^th, which will be the day in which I am officially “dubbed” a Biologist after 5 years of craziness.

Now what? What do I do with this? The decisions are more complex this time because it is no longer simply the option of where to go to college and what to study there. This time, the horizon has expanded. I could do one more year of college to earn the right to teach. I could go for a Masters degree in the area I am in now (a lot of people are cheering for that). I could simply change areas completely as I had tried to before, switching from science to art. I could dedicate a year of my life to a Bible course.

What to do? What to do…

I suppose I should thank God for all the options He has given me. Perhaps the wisest thing to do right now would be to spend the last few days of this year in prayer, asking the Lord to reveal His will for me. It beats playing eeny meeny miny mo.

I have learned over these years that our plans are petty, that our lives are completely the outcomes of our decisions, and that God is big. Like, REALLY big. Sometimes, He seems too great… too great to answer me when I talk to the ceiling at night. Sometimes, He seems so great… I have doubts. But I am certain that if God is real, then it is unquestionable that He is the God revealed in the Bible, and that He is merciful… merciful enough to forgive my doubts… This all seems like a contradiction—I wish I could end this post wrapping up the story with a happy ever after ending—, but is one more reason I am here, selfishly asking for thoughts and prayers… suggestions, opinions, and anything else you might have to offer…

My song...

Your Heart Is an Empty Room

by Death Cab for Cutie

Burn it down till the embers smoke on the ground
And start new when your heart is an empty room
With walls of the deepest blue

Home's face: how it ages when you're away
Spring blooms and you find the love that's true
But you don't know what now to do
Cause the chase is all you know
And she stopped running months ago

And all you see is where else you could be when you're at home
And out on the street are so many possibilities to not be alone

The flames and smoke climbed out of every window

And disappeared with everything that you held dear
But you shed not a single tear for the things that you didn't need
Cause you knew you were finally free

Cause all you see is where else you could be when you're at home
Out on the street are so many possibilities to not be alone
And all you see is where else you could be,
when you're at home,
There on the street,
are so many possibilities to not be alone

My new cam

My birthday cam!! Sony Alpha A200. Got it for R$300 cheaper than other places i saw, and am now having an absolute blast trying it out on things i used to have problems photographing. ^_^

June ends alone

Alone.

After a few days, a trebled sense of peace overcomes, but a strange one, floating between the uncomfortable awakened nausea at the rolling end credits of a movie and the bubble dream sunshine lightheadedness sensation of being covered out of the world to somewhere behind the curtains. I could fill my days soaking up every drop. If only every day resumed itself to sunrise and sunset and the quietness that floods the street during unholy hours. If only every week could be summarized in those three minutes of surreal musical notes that goosebumps its way to my core.

There is something about the emptiness of a playground in the early evening and the sunspots that play on the grass through the branches this day and the swift cool breeze that shake the pines in the grey skies the next.

Every day should start with a favorite song. Every story should end with rain. Every poem should have but one thought, the first and the last. And every hug should end tighter than it began. Every phone call should end with soft voices.

Can we live without each other? For how long? For what purpose?

I received a package from a dear friend of mine today. A friend I've never met. Who would have ever imagined?

The Other Blog

Okay, I don't really have the patience to write in two blogs at the same time, and as my brothers and sister don't seem that hyped up to take care of the other blog, I will just post there and link it here :D Check it out!

love love love

Year of Caffeine

So, 2009 has begun, and everything I have put off for later has decided to cave in on me in these last few weeks of "vacation". Uni payments and debts, my brother's university application sibling forms, interviews with professionals in the areas that I'm interested in... basically, everything. And what is most frustrating is that you can spend a week running after these things and not get anything done, because no one else is on the same page you are.

Take David's sibling form, for instance. I visited my uni about 5 times in less than a week, trying to find out who could fill it out for me, and their answer would always be pointing to someone else. In the end, I had to translate the darn thing before sending it off to the financial department.

You know when there are so many things on your plate, you just freeze? You panic, start to sweat, your heart begins to beat harder, faster, you feel incapacitated to reason through the simplest ordeals, and all you wanna do is just plop dead on your bed and sleep. Exactly the state I am at the moment. But instead of plopping dead, I'm venting here. Maybe I should stop drinking coffee and take more passion fruit meds.

I always wanted to announce to the world that I have decided over my final uni project topic: caffeine! Okay, it's a very brooooad topic. I'll likely narrow it down to find a connection with diabetes; how exactly, I have no clue (one other reason I am panicking at the moment). So that is the theme of my 2009: Caffeine. My agenda has a coffee plant design on it. My latest kitten has been named Coffee (but I call her Charlie). I have been devotedly drinking at least one cup of coffee every morning. Oh!! And Bach made a piece for coffee!!! Can you believe it?? I had no clue, so I was immensely delighted! Here it is, the one and only Bach's Coffee Cantata on YouTube:



I hope you enjoyed that :P Anyhow, I must be off...

*dee

Memories

It's been so long since I have written here! Wow... last time I did, I was in Europe. Now, half a year later, I write from São Paulo, once again dreaming of making another trip.

Six months later I can think better over the experiences I had far away from home... Reflecting, there are so many things I wish I had done, so many things I wish I hadn't. Even if I ever do make it back, every trip is unique, has its highlights, has its moments... What made this trip unique to me, well... you'll never know, but it will always be kept in the drawers of my memory. Some things cannot be shared as I wish. Memories are but pieces. The experience remains though. I remember lying in the tent in Belfast, the DJ beats thudding in my stomach during the beginning of each service in SM...

London. I remember walking in London with and without company... it sucks to be by your lonesome in a new city. I remember visiting the Bloody Tower during those awful woman days (how ironic), in the heat and tiredness (after sleeping very little in that little hostel near Royal Oak)... You can get practically everywhere with the tube. Up to this day, when I take the underground here, I remember to "mind the gap". Bittersweet... I visited the Westminster Abbey, London Zoo, London Aquarium, London Tower, and saw all the other essentials. Even bought three teddy bears as gifts at Hamley's (they were on sale!!).

Paris. I remember travelling on that bus, everyone talking french, the lady sitting next to me spending almost an hour on the cell phone talking in french to a friend... We stopped at the port, and everyone had to get off to show the people their passports (they spoke in french, I felt slightly lost and scared!). Then, the ferry, from England to France. I was feeling so sick and alone, quiet, nauseous, but I sat there and rested for a while, watching the ocean. In Paris, I remember arriving at the station, looking for the underground, and finding out that I could not buy a ticket without a credit card and that the machine was all in french... I couldn't make heads or tails of it! (a nice london fellow bought me a ticket when he saw my despair!) In Paris, I arrived at the hotel, but the girls weren't there... long story short, I despaired and was at tear's edge when they showed up behind me. Oh, the relief!! I miss getting lost in Paris with them... And waking up to see the Tour Eiffel in our window...

Anyway, the picture "Their Love Is Vintage" above was that of the flowers we gave our parents on their 25th anniversary. I love them so much!!! We made a little "surprise" candlelight dinner for them (they were out at the gym and decided to stop at a restaurant to eat something together, so we had to call them up and tell them about their surprise so that they wouldn't ruin it with no appetite).

One of the things I have learned and carried on from my Europe trip is photography. I bought my camera there and started to take interest there. Thanks all of you who inspired me ;)

Until next post!
*dee

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaahh!!

Tomorrow, I leave for London. I have to admit that I'm freaking out, because I've never done something like this on my own before. I know I'm gonna have a great time, but I'm such an anxious person I probably won't be able to sleep tonight.

I've got a slight problem in hands that I am trying to solve: my luggage. I came to Northern Ireland with 1 large suitcase to fit my clothes and all the people's candy and junk. Now, I have two suitcases: the large one and a new small one I plan on using to go to Paris with... Why did I buy the small one? Well, first of all, I can only carry 20 kg with me on the bus. so carrying the large one with all my things together would definitely add up to more than 20 kg. Second, the large suitcase is just a bother to be carrying around Paris. However, I now have a problem in London, because I will be carrying these two rolling suitcases through the tubes in which I have never been in before. I don't really know how disasterous it will be, and, seeing as I am a perfeccionist at times and feel easily embarassed, I know I'm predestined to some awkward moments. Plus I have the problem of my laptop, which I now can no longer carry in my hand, because that will be just way too much. I am going to have to stuff it in my large suitcase, meaning my precious machine will be tossed about with the rest of the baggage, and there is a chance it might be stolen (oh the evils we have to deal with in this darn world!).

I would leave the large suitcase at the airport where they store things, but it is way too expensive (a friggin' 6,50 pounds per 24 hours and I'm gonna needing them to hold it for 9 days >_<). So now I'm thinking of leaving the suitcase at a friend's house in London... hopefully that will work out, because there is a slight distance between the airport, where I am staying, and his place. Oh bother, I wish I could have dragged one of the girls along with me.

So, if I may abuse of your kindness, even after you have read up to here, I would appreciate it if you, whoever you are, friend, family...person... if you could pray for me, that God might just calm my nerves and just give me the insight to know how to deal with those darn suitcases.

Thanks...and I'll probably won't update for a while now, cuz I'm gunna be a wee bit busy :) I know I'm owing pictures from the rest of the Ireland tour, but I will make sure to post that when I have time (probably when I get back home :) )

Anyway, God bless you all!!

Thanks for reading

*drika

It's amazing isn't it? ... Oui.

If you're wondering about the title, it's just one of today's pearls that I collected. It has nothing to do with the Argory House. Actually, John (Irish) was talking to Bibi (Brazilian) in english and mentioned how amazing the sight was (we were by the Dunluce Castle -- future post) to which she responded... "Oui." Of course, she quickly corrected herself, but her pearl was cast :)

This week was the week I was looking forward to. We finally stepped right out of the house and right out of the city and actually got to see the Ireland we are used to seeing on TV. It's the moment you realize that all that you've ever seen in pictures and movies actually exists. It's breathtaking, really. I'm so tired, and pictures speak a thousand words, so I'll give a little explanation of each of the places we went to... and later maybe try to fill in the blanks :)

THE ARGORY

The Argory is a beautiful house you can visit here. We didn't have money to pay for a tour inside, but we enjoyed walking all around it.

Us in the car going to there:

Fernanda and I right when we arrived.

The playground had squishy ground and a cool rocking bridge.
We nearly knocked each other off of it.

Fabiana, Fernanda, Natália, Vivian and I!

The Hat, Lizzie & Piggy (our mascots) making their presence known

The team!

The Argory House
Us walking everywhere, BUT in the Argory House :D

A haunted tree (I almost threw Piggy up there).

Resting in the wind.

I didn't mean to pull the whole thing out...

Pasmem. It's the Irish coxinha: not chicken, but egg o_O

The inside of the Scotch Egg.

The Luggage (and the Mascots)

I want a Christmas tree like that!

It was a path that went on and on and on. Bibi and I separated from the group just to run down this path (until we stopped with splitting sides) and walk back marvelling at the fact that we were actually walking and breathing in Ireland.

Pedrinho & the Hat :D

The fish that jumped out of the wood.

The Argory House front yard.

Yes...yes... I took SO many more pictures. But this is a blog, not a fotoblog and not orkut and not facebook :) In fact, I took 275 pictures yesterday. I shall continue updating on this week's peripécias... !

Fique ligadoo.

Beijos
Drika

Cash and Clothes

I have learned to let go of converting my money. Arriving here, every price in pounds that I would see I'd automatically multiply by 3 and back off immediately. It's a bit scary, you know! But after a while, you start seeing things in pounds, you start thinking in pence, you start becoming amazed at how cheap things are!! This will eventually be my wallet's doom. But while I remind myself that I saved up for half a year for this, it's easier to let go of the cash.

Everywhere I go, or at least, almost everywhere I go, I take some cash with me, just in case. My pockets come back stuffed with bills and coins. If you could look around my room right now -- as I am doing -- you would see money thrown all over the place (I think I'll clean it up after I post this).

Today we went to The Lojinha (because I don't know what the name is and that's what everyone in this house calls it -- the shop). It's a nice little secondhand store where you can get things amazingly cheap! The owners use the money to pay for rent and to financially support Christian charity work in the Philippines (pilipinas!). One of their fantastic contributions around those parts is the giving of tricycles (the big ones, please) to the homeless and unemployed in order to help them support themselves, which is brilliant! The people use these tricycles as taxis there, and it's enough to get them started with work. That is how caring for the poor should be. It takes so much more than just giving food and money; they need help to become independent.

Anyway, at the lojinha, we had devotionals and then the ladies helped fold the donated clothes in the back (you wouldn't believe how much clothes winds up there!). We came across baby socks -- adorable -- and I decided to adhere to the Lara girls' habit of collecting objects for their future babies. I now have a pair of tiny cute green socks stuffed away to give to my future kid :D After that, we practically ransacked the shop for things to buy. Okay, not ransacked, but everything was pretty cheap, and some things were brand new! I needed a pair of pants cuz I was smart enough to only bring two pairs of jeans on my trip (I was in a rush packing, alright!!). I found a nice pair of pants there with the tag still on!!! Apparently, it was originally for 15 pounds, but I bought it there for 2,50 :P

Now, if you will excuse me, I'm dying to go to Tesco's to buy a good camera for 100 pounds and take decent pictures of my trip (I'm stealing everyone else's pictures :P)

This is Vivian (or Bibi according to Pedro),
one of the brazilians who came over on the mission's trip.

Natália and I eating in the living room.

The beautiful evil/good fairy lady - Bruna

(I became her assistant fairy lady and paid her 2 pence for a cheese thingy)

Get this, we Brazilians ate a typical African meal at a Portuguese restaurant in Northern Ireland.

The team at the shop!
Posing by the clothes :D

And then folding them!

Summer Madness '08

Pre-script: Check my facebook out for more pics :D

There's a lot to know about Summer Madness, especially if you've never gone to one. It won't really be a smart idea for me to try to explain every single thing that happens at SM, because, honestly, it will just eat up my time and yours.

So let me try to summarize it. Summer Madness if a Christian Camp in which happens in Belfast, Northern Ireland, every year. Youth from many churches come in groups and spend 5 days together at this huge site in the city. Catch: you literally camp there, which means, to all you city slickers like me, tents and all :) which means, to all you bath junkies, 1 pound per bath (although, I think that after 5 days with no shower, the folks there would actually pay for the others to have a shower). Everyday there are two worship services, one in the morning and one at night and, in between these, there are activities of all sorts, including workshops that teach irish and brazilian alike how to salsa!

Worship. There are always differences, things you have to learn how to deal with, things you don't agree with, and things you might even realize that you do agree with. I found all sorts of these points in the worship services. The theme of this year's SM was discipleship, and the main speaker - Phil Collins (not the singer) - talked about several things that involved the making of a true discipleship, including utter (he did love the word "utter") surrender to loving Christ, opening up to the power and work of the Holy Spirit, and the preciousness of the Word of God. I would have personally turned around the order of the talks, placing the Word of God in first place and from this proceeding to the rest. I mean, after all, all those things we see in the Bible usually happened after the people of God heard or read the Word of God, not the other way around. You can't be open to the Holy Spirit if you haven't first read about it and understood it, because it's not just some force that strikes you out of the blue... at least, that is what I believe :)

The talks and worship songs were really uplifting. There were some experiences happenening in the public that apparently happen every year - holy laugh, miraculous healings - , so I don't know how much of it I could take seriously, but I do accept that God works in all ways possible, and I am not in a place to judge personal experiences. I am a bit of a skeptic person when it comes to such things... The laughing was a bit scary, though... Natália told me it's scarier when it's happening right next to you... o_O

There was also a group of brazilians that came over on Euromission to evangelize using their dancing and acting talents. We watched some of them street dance and do capoeira - AMAZING SKILLS. It was really nice to see a bit of our culture shown here.

Ahh, one thing I forgot to mention is that brazilians in foreign lands are like brothers and sisters. If you are brazilian and meet up with someone else around here, it's like you've met someone from the family. There's hugs, excited greetings, - forty-five minute random chats *cough* - and sharing of all sorts.

Okay, but going back to SM, there were thousands of youth attending and a gazillion things to do. I must admit that the most fun I had was in the tent with the flashlights at night, plus some other things I'm sure I'd love to keep in my memory for the rest of my life. Of these adventures, I have some I would like to share:

Pega no pé da Ju! If you have any problems whatsoever, grab Ju's foot! Ju is Fernanda, Natália, and Fabiana's cousin and came along with us to the SM. The first night, we left the flashlight at her foot and made sure everyone knew that, if anything happened, we should grab at Ju's foot, cuz that's where the flashlight would be. But now, everything that happens is a good enough reason to grab at Ju's foot. If you are hungry, "pega no pé da Ju". If you don't have money for a savoury crepe, "pega no pé da Ju". If you are brazilian and can't dance salsa and have to learn it from the Irish instead, "pega no pé da Ju"!!!

Giant Birds. Alright, I admit I have strange dreams, but I just know this wasn't a dream or anything of the sort. I woke up one early dawn (cuz it gets light here really friggin early) and found myself in complete and utter silence. The girls were all sleeping, and there was a faint morning glow outside. Suddenly, I hear strange trills from across the campsite, these strange birdlike noises that, first thing in the morning, sound more like twilight monsters than anything else. So I shrink under the covers. There is suddenly a splatter on our tent, which almost makes me jump in shock and the trill is suddenly alongside our tent!! I sit up and cry, "Girls, what the heck is that??" and no one stirs, which freaks me even more out and I cower back into my covers and eventually fall asleep again. I reported this to them later on in the morning and they told me I must have been dreaming. Later on, however, when we emerged from the tent, sure enough, there was bird poo splattered on one side!! Apparently, the seagulls here are quite friendly with the tents. I am traumatized by my own imagination of giant birds invading the campsite.

Shadows on the Fabric. Just a note, shadows aren't usually what they seem, especially if they are one meter tall and making a knife stabbing motion towards you from outside.

Speaking to People through the Fabric. Not quite a good idea when the other person is not familiar with your language and probably a 16 year old boy with no shame on himself. We made it a habit to shout out "Hello!" to passersby, and this young lad attempted to find some words in his vast collection of gibberish words that would click with portuguese. He resorted to spanish and started enjoying shouting out a cuss word at us - as usual, bad words are the first to be learned.

Latino Quiz. There were 8 teams, and we ended up in 7th place!! Why? 'Cuz the rounds weren't exclusively latino. In fact, the only latino part of the quiz was the few soccer questions (asking in which team some argentinian and peruvian guys played in -- obviously a UK team, and how many times Brazil won the world cup...... WOOOOOOOT), and the spanish talking guy we had to listen to and answer questions about (part we obviously aced) and a memory game. The rest had songs we had to recall... songs I don't really listen to :D but to my delight, they played Coldplay and Snow Patrol! :D

Alright, I am probably forgetting LOADS, but I'm not going to drag on talking about everything we did every day, cuz it would be quite boring for you to read through. So I'll finish with some pictures here and talk more next post!

Cheerio!